Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Effort made
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
men are simple creatures
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!