{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
saw this in a dream
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I think I’m having a stroke
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring