Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.