isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
You Might Also Like
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Shower sex be like:
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!