(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
You Might Also Like
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Butt weight. There’s more!
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”