I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My purse is deeper than some people.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
work smarter, not harder
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring