It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before