bout dat hot dog summer
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(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth