**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
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[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Animal poetry
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.