What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.