Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.