Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream