I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”