I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Squirrels before girls.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.