When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
not to brag, but mine was free
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
2022: I can fix it
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.