8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.