I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
If I ignore life will it go away?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Uh oh…
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards