LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I’m already scared
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*puts my mental health in rice
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”