[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon