Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
he looks great for his age
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.