Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.