This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.