TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
for all #parents out there
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.