Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Only Americans understand
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance