[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate