I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,