11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home