Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Dishonest mechanic?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.