It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Pikachu found the lost joint
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please