that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
man i love columbo
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”