The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.