6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest