I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
#winning
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”