Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]