I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.