My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”