you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
ugh not again
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.