The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?