[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
necessity is the mother of invention
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.