*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
lol
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.