very niche meme I made
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
How actors in movies eat their food
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /