If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality