At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?