911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?