All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
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Mom: Damn it
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
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HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
shampoo implies shampee
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
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Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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Said No Man Ever
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Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
titanic
inside you are two wolves
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb