me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
how to market bottled water to dads
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.