Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
the composer
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.