My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.