Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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lost dog
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey