In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
These aliens are taking forever.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.